Dear Sir/Madam/Transmogrified Devil
This letter is in regards to my experience at the Ultek Transmogrified Therapy Center in Burbank.
After completing your paperwork and providing a picture of my wife, I was ushered into a room containing a child. I spent twenty minutes in silence before a staff member apologetically entered, informing me I was in the wrong room.
Chirping happily, the child melted into a heap before turning into an optimistically beaming version of my dead wife.
I don’t know how healing works on your planet, but watching my wife form from a melted child is not therapeutic.
I demand a refund.
Well I heard marijuana makes you lethargic.
Not true Billy, look at all the wonderful things you can do. You could fly a kite with friends or play baseball.
What are you pointing at?
That is a splendid idea let’s go sledding, but we need pizza first.
Hey guys I brought a lamp for you, trust me that you don’t want to go stumbling around in the dark. You could stub your toe or something…
..and what the hell is this? You sneaky little bastards put it down. Why didn’t I see this coming? You would think I would know better by now. But no, some lessons are never learned no matter how many times you live them. Just get out, do me a favor and take the treasure with you. For the record I hope you choke to death on my beautiful bobbles of agate and ruby. Most of all I hope you choke on the sadness, the sadness of the broken heart of the world’s last treasure collecting dinosaur.
We went with a fun theme for our travel posters this time around, we settled on this. Mr. Sunshine basically your ambassador of happiness bringing a sunny day wherever he goes.
I don’t like it.
What is not to like?
I don’t like that he’s wearing clothes. It would seem impossible to me to dress the sun up, maybe I’m wrong.
We could scale it back, maybe go with the yellow jump suit or something.
Why are people jumping to their deaths around him? Do you want to vacation in a place or even live in the world where the sun wanders the streets inspiring mass suicide along the way?
No I guess not.
It’s not even scientifically accurate. There are parts of Portugal that get thirty plus inches of rain a year. Get back to the drawing board, let’s see what else you can come up with.