Ms. Muffins Sleeps

Chalk up another fourteen lives saved thanks to Ms. Muffins, the disaster predicting cat.

Her owner, Greg Willows noticed his kitten digging and immediately ran to see what she had gotten into. Was it some acorns hidden away by her furry nemesis? No, it was the bridge schematic for the Adams Street Bridge in Ohio. How’d that get in there? Who knows?

Mr. Willows called the proper authorities and they managed to evacuate moments before it collapsed.

We’re reminded once again that we live in a twisted world where our protector sleeps sixteen hours a day. God help us all.

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Published According to Original Copies

After an investigation and as requested, misconceptions regarding events previously pronounced were redacted from this publication. A comprehensive list of these changes is available at the request of citizens with proper clearance.

We strive to achieve perfection and wholeheartedly regret when misinterpreted events find their way into the records. Moving forward we will attempt to work with the authority to ensure accurate recording.

We would like to remind the reader that there were never any children of age capable of attaining superintendence.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused the royal family and acknowledge them for their loyalty.

 

Author’s Note

The term “Published According to Original Copies” appears mostly in regards to reprinted Shakespeare works, but it just has this weird ominous tone that for some reason led to regicide.

Complaints Department Case #56

Dear Sir/Madam/Transmogrified Devil

This letter is in regards to my experience at the Ultek Transmogrified Therapy Center in Burbank.

After completing your paperwork and providing a picture of my wife, I was ushered into a room containing a child. I spent twenty minutes in silence before a staff member apologetically entered, informing me I was in the wrong room.

Chirping happily, the child melted into a heap before turning into an optimistically beaming version of my dead wife.

I don’t know how healing works on your planet, but watching my wife form from a melted child is not therapeutic.

I demand a refund.

Warning Label

Some days are hard when you’re alone. The good news is you don’t have to be alone anymore.

Meet Sarah.

Side effects of dating Sarah include attending Shakespeare plays, feelings, terribly awkward meetings with her overprotective father as he cleans his shotguns, and getting off the couch to actually do things.

Additional side effects include Sarah’s obsessive ex-boyfriend who somehow maintains a healthy relationship with her despite making her life a living hell. You’ll have to destroy him.

Sarah may increase bleeding risk if you mistakenly cross her.

Sarah is not for everyone, but I think she’s right for you.

Missing

Taken from Earth concert in moment of auditory distraction, one particle destabilization ray. Appearing in the disguise of an HP-10C calculator, it is unwise to use the device for traditional mathematical functions.

This item is extremely dangerous in untrained hands. Using the square root key may lead to the creation of particle level black holes that may potentially destabilize your planet’s rotation and spell certain doom for the majority of the species on your planet.

If found, point sixth finger directly upward and hum gently into the sky. Rewards for retrieval before inadvertent destruction includes intergalactic wonders unseen by man.

Memo At The Bridgeport Retirement Home

The staff and faculty would like to address several events that have recently occurred. We understand completely that retirement comes with certain periods of inaction. We remind you that during the week the staff holds various project periods.

These include sewing classes, various no bake pastry classes and Ms. Webber’s collage class which is looking for donations of old unneeded magazines.

We ask that you refrain from catcalling the landscapers as we have received several complaints on their behalf. They are human beings not objects of your fading, but obviously still present sexual appetite.

Sincerely,

Anna Parsons

Director of Operations