New Year, New You

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Emily, quick get up. I have this great idea.

What time is it?

It’s time to embrace life, breathe in the air around you, it’s time to wake up and start living again. Look it’s been a hard year. Maybe it started as a day and that tumbled into another day, but you have to believe me that is all behind you. The sun is up baby and life is calling.

I’m exhausted.

No, you’re bored. There’s a difference. Now I’m just a simple canine, but I came up with an excellent idea. Since you are content to spend every day inside I decided to bring the outside to you.

You took a shit in the house again didn’t you?

Not only that, but I did it in your shoe. I’m thinking it symbolizes something, I’m working on that. Anyway we should get going, the park is calling. We’re going to fetch the hell out of a ball and break you out of this creative funk.

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Mr. Harris Vs. The Storm

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Great, another rainy day stuck in the house alone. What to do. What to do. I could make it a Netflix day. That could be fun. Should probably do the dishes, definitely put that on my list. When did my life become this collection of days strung together? I used to have dreams, things I wanted to do in my life. I wonder when they faded away.

See there’s my point. Mr. Harris always goes out into thunderstorms wielding a katana and cursing the merciless God that stole his wife.  See that’s a dream. I bet when he was a little kid he looked at storm clouds and said I’m going to stab the fuck out of a storm one day. What I would give for that passion.

Me I’m contempt to be a spectator. I’m wasting my life.

Ms. Muffins Sleeps

Chalk up another fourteen lives saved thanks to Ms. Muffins, the disaster predicting cat.

Her owner, Greg Willows noticed his kitten digging and immediately ran to see what she had gotten into. Was it some acorns hidden away by her furry nemesis? No, it was the bridge schematic for the Adams Street Bridge in Ohio. How’d that get in there? Who knows?

Mr. Willows called the proper authorities and they managed to evacuate moments before it collapsed.

We’re reminded once again that we live in a twisted world where our protector sleeps sixteen hours a day. God help us all.

An Unexpected Guest

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We talked about this a dozen times. No, this is not my lawyer talking. You can’t just show up drunk expecting to see my daughter. I understand that. No she is my daughter. Look being a swan with the ability to mentally communicate and breed with humans is great. It really is. We both know you’ll never be a father to him. This is not overreacting. We need to come to a simple agreement of avoidance.

No, you don’t get to do that. Filling my mind with our song is not going to help you on this one. No putting the smell of brownies won’t help ether. Great, now I’m just pissed off and I want brownies.

 

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After an investigation and as requested, misconceptions regarding events previously pronounced were redacted from this publication. A comprehensive list of these changes is available at the request of citizens with proper clearance.

We strive to achieve perfection and wholeheartedly regret when misinterpreted events find their way into the records. Moving forward we will attempt to work with the authority to ensure accurate recording.

We would like to remind the reader that there were never any children of age capable of attaining superintendence.

We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused the royal family and acknowledge them for their loyalty.

 

Author’s Note

The term “Published According to Original Copies” appears mostly in regards to reprinted Shakespeare works, but it just has this weird ominous tone that for some reason led to regicide.